TheStruggleLife is a series of personal stories shared by young people of the faith. The aim is to let others know that while this journey with God is not an easy one, we are not alone. We all go through the same things. Hopefully this series will uplift, inspire and help you. Please remember to pray for us Young Catholic Nigerians as we journey through life together. God Bless.
“I am a cradle Catholic. I was born and raised in the Catholic Church. I went to a Catholic secondary school and my family prayers growing up are memories of us kneeling down around my parents bed, praying the rosary.
I didn’t understand my faith and to be very honest, I still don’t completely. But I knew I was Catholic and that was it. I lived a pretty decent moral life growing up, I rarely experimented and didn’t really get exposed to a lot until I went to university. So for me, most of my confessions growing up were littered with ” I was jealous of my friends or family, I was angry at so and so, I lied or I slept and missed church”.
Then I did IT. I had sex. It was actually after I graduated from University – the irony right? Lol. And that was the beginning of a downward spiral in my spiritual life. You see, everyone talks about abstinence and being celibate and holding on to your virginity, but no one, and I mean no one, ever shares with you, how to get back on track once you fall. Oh they throw out the regular phrases – pray about it, go to confession, ask the Blessed Mother. Now are all these good pieces of advice? Of course! But when you know what sex feels life and you are with someone you think you love and are going to spend the rest of your life with, do they tell you how you are so willing to throw caution to the wind? How you all of a sudden numb yourself to the voice that tells you that it’s wrong? Do they prepare you for the enormous guilt you feel afterwards? For how ashamed you are because not only did you enjoy it, deep down inside you’re not sure you won’t do it again but yet you know you don’t want to offend God?
That ladies and gentlemen is the space that I am in unfortunately. And maybe there are many more like me out there, or maybe I’m just the only one. But it’s hard and it’s the real part about growing up. I regret losing my virginity – not because the person I lost it to wasn’t worth it, or because it was a horrible experience, but because when I look at where I am spiritually today, I know that singular act is partially responsible.
Today, I am in a space where I almost crippled by a fear of being hurt and disappointed that I only recently realised that I don’t even trust God. Yes, I said it. I don’t trust God. I’m not proud of it and it’s not something that I thought I would ever admit but it’s the truth.
How do I know I don’t trust God? I don’t let go of any situation or problem. I try to do it all and fix it all. I don’t ask Him for things because I don’t want to be disappointed if His will and my will don’t align. Stupid right?
Guess the best part though? I didn’t even realise that I didn’t trust Him, until He sent a friend of mine who I asked to pray for me, to reveal this to me – and she didn’t even know that’s what she was doing!
Now I have no clue if anything I’ve said has made sense, but, this is me, and this is my reality. I am trying to do better and be better. I want to and I need to because honestly, I really do love Jesus from the bottom of my heart. I don’t know why I’m sharing this to be honest. And I don’t know if there will ever be a follow up post. But if there’s anyone out there struggling, I guess it’s just to let you know that you’re not alone in the struggle and that God sees and hears us.
Till next time maybe?”